Like any rational man of faith, when Louis saw his son fall in love with another man, he had questions about what he himself believed.

He takes a deep breath as he turns the key, letting the big diesel engine go silent. It's been years since Louis could bring himself to come to Skeeter's, where the family used to go for lunch every other Sunday. The church campus isn't where it was all those years ago, and it never felt right to go there when the family fell apart. To him, this whole thing feels like an attempt to grasp at a life that is already gone.

Part of him thinks he should restart the truck and drive away. It'd be better for both of them, that nagging voice in his head says, this talk will only reignite old conflicts, but…

No. Sean was man enough to agree to this. After everything that had been said, after all the public spats, after everyone had taken sides, his son had been strong enough to set aside his disdain for his stubborn father and meet him at a place that had become like ancient ruins for the whole family, a place that could not be experienced again, not as it used to be.

And if Sean was man enough to return to this place, to look him in the eye, then Louis could do the same. It’d be unbearably shameful if he couldn’t.

Sean was already inside; Louis could see him sitting at the family’s old table, already looking distressed. He knew he should go in, before he lost his nerve.

1991

The boy hadn't stopped talking about the fun he'd had at youth camp since he got in the van. Though Sean had dark rings around his eyes from visible lack of sleep, tale after tale of adventures ridiculous, dangerous, and sometimes just weird, nonetheless continued in an unbroken stream for hours.

“And then - and then - he saluted, and did a backflip! Off the roof of the humvee!” Sean gestured as his excitement reached a fever pitch. Louis laughed as his son recoiled back into the bench seat. When the boy let out a yawn, Louis knew the kid was about to pass out, finally.

At the time, Louis hadn’t noticed that nearly everything Sean talked about involved another boy. He couldn’t remember the kid’s name, though Sean must have said it a hundred times.

It took years for Louis to see the significance of that moment. There was a clue - obvious, in hindsight - that Sean had no interest in girls. Louis had been expecting the usual raging hormones that would have him looking for every opportunity to sneak off with a crush, and had been pleasantly surprised that that hadn’t been the case.

He treasured his relationship with his son. Everyone had told him that the teen years would bring rebellion, arguments, and a fiery need for independence, but at 14 years of age, Louis was as excitable, innocent and open as he had been since he was a toddler. There were deeper conversations and greater challenges, of course, but he relished those, too. Things couldn’t have been better.

Louis basked in that joy, grinning as his son dropped like a stone. Sean’s mouth hung wide open, and he began to drool and snore as he collapsed into his armrest.

This was a good moment, one he knew he’d remember the rest of his life. Watching Sean become his own person felt like the mission Louis had been preparing for his whole life. If everything else in his life lost all meaning, this would be more than enough.

******

“You’ve uh,” Louis paused, taking a breath, “You’ve been working out.”

Sean wasn’t the pudgy 18-year-old he’d been decades ago. The boy had been so depressed that Louis worried he would try to commit suicide. More than once, Kate had found plastic bags of sleeping pills stashed in various corners of Sean’s bedroom.

“Yeah, uh,” Sean scratched the back of his head, clearly feeling just as awkward, “Jay is a personal trainer now.”

“Yeah?” Louis said, taking a sip of his iced tea, soothing his parched throat. He wrung his sweating hands, unable to hide his own discomfort.

“Oh yeah, he - he’s really good at it. Motivating. He’ll uh,” Sean took an anxious breath, “He’s like a drill sergeant, you know? Tough, but you know he cares. Wants you to succeed.”

In that way, Jaylin had been a literal lifesaver. Sean’s husband had given the downcast young man more healing than his father ever could. There was no end to the shame Louis felt for that.

“That’s good. That’s really good,” Louis said.

Louis only barely managed to hold back the bitter tears of self-loathing. If only he could redo everything, he said to himself, he’d go back and make himself see everything for what it had been. He wouldn’t be so ignorant to the demons that had plagued his son for so long.

“I’m sorry, son,” He said, sniffling, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

The silence felt oppressive as Sean closed his eyes shut, sighing. There was pain in that expression, but not the kind of pain that Louis felt.

“I can’t forgive you, Dad,” Sean began.

Everything in Louis wanted to scream that this was wrong. He’d taught his son to forgive, hadn’t he? That was what the Bible said: repent, seek the forgiveness of others. Even if they could never agree on his son taking a boyfriend and a husband, they’d at least share that. Sean had to forgive him.

Louis knew this was the toxic need he felt to have been a good Christian father. That was the path that had led to this mess: choosing the Bible at the expense of his son.

He just wanted to be a father again. Not just a parent, not a mere branch on a family tree. Louis craved the connection, the assured, unshakable, mutual trust, friendship and joy of being part of another person.

That was what Louis had lost.

No, not lost. What he’d destroyed.

1993

“Due to allegations of inappropriate conduct, Josiah Hanson has agreed to part ways with Trinity Church.”

Inappropriate conduct. The words were repulsive, inadequate to describe the sheer horror of the act.

And they had almost sent Sean to the conversion therapy camp this guy took kids to every summer. The thought that his son could have so easily been alone with this creep made Louis want to vomit.

“I can’t go in there,” Louis said. He and Kate were alone in the van, having sent their kids into the building to meet their friends.

“They didn’t know, Lou,” Kate said, her voice still as calm and serene as it had been since the news had broken.

“They should have known,” Louis couldn’t help raising his voice a little.

His chest felt like it had become an off-balance washing machine. His words just wouldn’t come out. He tried to remind himself that it was a good thing that the full measure of his rage didn’t escape him; Louis had sworn he’d never be violent and aggressive like his father. Kate had just been trying to help.

“At least-” She paused, “Well, I’m just glad it wasn’t worse.”

Louis’s infuriated glare was instant, but he held his tongue. He wondered if she just wasn’t thinking, or if she had accepted what the police report about “light touching” had said. Denial was disgusting; it felt like an attempt to shirk responsibility.

He knew his son. He knew when Sean was hiding something. They’d drifted, sure, and maybe he’d never know exactly what Sean had experienced when he was around the disgraced youth pastor, but everything the bastard had ever done was tainted now.

Had Sean been…had Josiah…? 

He couldn’t bring himself to say the words. Louis knew that Sean had thought the man was pretty. More than once, he’d seen his son staring at Josiah’s picture on the church website.

“I can’t be around them. They had to know; it was their job to know,” Louis said as he turned away.

“They’re not perfect, Lou-” Kate began.

“Would you stop calling me Lou?” Louis yelled.

She recoiled. He knew his wife was a fighter, and she’d soon have something to say in reply. He had to keep his nerve.

“This is our son, Kate. He could have had-” Louis gestured wildly, “God knows what happened to him.”

“He didn’t, Louis! He didn’t!” Kate yelled back.

“And how do you know!?”

“Because I trust Harry!”

“We trusted Josiah, too.”

“We’ve known Harry a lot longer. He’d tell us if something happened.”

He wanted to believe she was right. The reverend had been honest about a lot of things, even when it thinned the congregation at Trinity. Harry had always listened to criticism, managing to straddle the line between the glitzy megachurch celebrities and the small town authoritarian ministers, like the old crone that led Louis’s parents’ church. That decrepit Puritan had led his decaying congregation until he forgot who God was. Harry wasn’t like that. Trinity’s pastor was a good man - an uncommonly good man, humble, generous and full of integrity.

But this was about their son. Louis had promised that he’d protect his children at any cost, and the idea that he might have failed at that without even knowing it was anguishing. It made him want to find Josiah Hanson, wherever he was now, and-

“God will show us the way,” Kate said, reaching for Louis’s hand.

He couldn’t immediately figure out what bothered him about what she had just said. The words were right, but…they weren’t. His wife was clearly as upset as he was. She was always the more emotionally mature one, able to more easily turn her strong emotions into motivation to do the right thing. As the only child of two strict but ever-present parents, she was well-versed in keeping her cool. Louis should have been encouraged by her expression of faith.

But the two weren’t fighting the same battle.

Like her parents - and his own - she saw homosexuality as a grave sin. She saw herself as a failure for not being able to stop Sean from seeking the love of other boys.

And that was what she was saying God would guide them through. Not the terror and wrath that came with the uncertainty of whether their son, their pride and joy, their flesh and blood had been violated. No, she was upset because now they had to find another way.

It wasn’t fair to assume that of her. He should have asked her to clarify, to say it in her own words, but once the poisonous doubt had seeped in, it wouldn’t be purged from him.

How could she?

Didn’t she see what was more important here? Did she have even a shred of suspicion of the people who had every incentive to lie? Did it even cross her mind that there were things that Harry might not know?

“I’m gonna call the cops,” Louis said.

“Lou, no-” Kate began.

“The city cops, not the sheriff. The deacons are a little too cozy with Chief Phil,” Louis continued as though she hadn’t said anything.

“Don’t,” Kate stammered, “Don’t. Don’t do this; they’ve been through enough already.”

“God, it’s probably too late. Evidence is probably gone. Light a fire under the asses of the Shoney’s crowd, at least.”

Kate sighed. Like him, she had been taught that the man was the head of the household. She wanted to tell him to back down, and it was only decades of gospel teaching that held her back.

He was choosing his son over his wife, he recognized. There’d be a lot of awkward, quiet nights ahead of them both.

******

What should he say, he wonders? What should he ask? What words would begin to undo the decades of decay?

He just needs something to get him started, some kind of forward motion, anything to let him know he’s going in the right direction. He prays for strength, for wisdom, like he’s done so many times before when talking to his son about this very subject.

Sean looks like he’s ready to leave. He will, Louis fears, and this last chance will be squandered. Maybe this isn’t a chance at all. Maybe his son took pity on him, and had allowed his father a moment to be weak.

Louis wasn’t supposed to fear weakness. People were all weak in spirit, he had been taught. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t have needed a Savior. But that doctrine had slipped from his grasp; it held no comfort for him now. Now, he only felt fear. The decades-long process of losing his son was about to be over, the door to reconciliation quietly shut and locked forever.

“How can I make this right?” Louis says, his broken voice nearly a whisper. The question is as much to himself as to Sean.

“You can’t. That’s what I tried to tell you all that time. You and mom-” He stops, biting his upper lip in frustration, “You tried to fix what wasn’t broken. I wasn’t broken.”

There is nothing he wants more than to tell his son that he knows, and that he's desperate to fix himself now. That he's done everything he knows to do, and that all he needs is a second chance.

Sean takes a deep breath, then breaks the heavy silence.

"Do you know how much I had to unlearn?"